Rookie Dad Mistakes Part One

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I have seven kids. I may not be a very good dad, but at least I don’t make rookie mistakes any more. Every once in a while I will post about common rookie dad mistakes. Today is all about two common physical mistakes that rookie dads make and quick fixes. Let’s get into it.

Rookie Dad Mistake Number One – Improper chin recognition 

Here’s the deal. If you’re kid is between 10 months and two years old then there are plenty of times you’re holding that kid. Women avoid what I call the “chin problem” by adopting the kid on the hip hold (or hip hold for short) which is so brilliant, that when learned correctly, I’ve seen seven year old girls hold full grown adults on their hips.

But for some reason, guys don’t do the hip hold. So instead, they hold the kid in front. But here’s the problem. The 10 month to 2 year old kid is a jumpy son of a biscuit maker. And the Rookie Dad will inevitably find themselves on the wrong of a toddler’s head jamming into their chin.

The result is usually a fair amount of chin blood, opening up that badly healed chin scar from when the guy fell off his bike, got punched by his next door neighbor, played football without a helmet, or fell off the Nordik Track Machine (yes, I really did that). But all of this could have been avoided by Proper Chin Recognition. If you are a Rookie Dad and you stubbornly refuse to adopt the patented female hip hold then you’ve got to learn the bob and sway. When I was a Rookie Dad I watched three or four different Billy Blanks Tae BoTapes before I got down the necessary movement. The key is this. Always be moving. ABM. Repeat it to yourself. Always Be Moving. A lot harder for your kid to hit your chin when it’s a moving target. The world might think your listening to the preacher’s sermon while holding your toddler but really, you’re imagining that you’re Ali facing Frazier.

Rookie Dad Mistake Number Two – Peeing With the Door Open

Women avoid this mistake in two ways. First, lots of women close the door out of something they call ‘modesty’. Whatever.  Second, conveniently their ass is covering the toilet while they pee.

But guys? No chance. So when the 11 month old baby crawls by and hears the familiar sound of urine hitting water, they shoot like a rocket for the area in between your legs. Trust me, Rookie Dads reflexes are way too slow and the result is your baby putting one hand inside the toilet while the other reaches for the stream of pee.  There can be no good outcome for this.

What the Rookie Dad needs to learn are two things. You might think the first is to shut the door. But guys just don’t do that. What you need to do instead is knock chairs and laundry baskets over on your way to the bathroom. If your baby can make it through that ninja warrior obstacle course then by God, they’ve earned the right to stick their hand in the toilet.

The key move the Rookie Dad needs to learn if somehow you’ve forgotten and the baby is shooting like a rocket for the toilet? The box out. Go get into a three on three basketball tournament if you’re rusty. But when your baby comes, crouch low while continuing to pee, while keeping your butt between the baby and the toilet water at all times.

The kid will be frustrated as hell, but you avoid serious clean up issues.

The Rookie Dad, like all Dads can’t multi-task. So two is all you need to work on for now. Good luck, work hard, and be on the lookout for another installment of Rookie Dad Mistakes.